Show up

I recently started reading a book on vulnerability called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown (if you couldn't tell already, I'm kind of a non-fiction junky).  In it Brene discusses various intriguing ideas but the biggest and most simple takeaway is simply to "show up."  Through years of interviews she has discovered that individuals are now closed off more than ever.  Negative experiences and responses from putting ourselves out there has made us guarded and hesitant to be exposed.  Paradoxically, being vulnerable allows us to feel alive, makes us human and provides personal happiness and satisfaction.  In my opinion, never being vulnerable would be the equivalent of being a robot.

Personally, I can relate (as I'm sure we all can).  In the past I've put myself out there, exposed myself and "shown up" only to be rejected and knocked off the horse.  At one point I was so exposed that I hit a low point and promised myself that I would never be in that position again.  Am I resentful for this?  No.  Have I learned from it?  Very much so.  A few years ago the learning shifted me to the opposite side of the spectrum, from completely vulnerable to completely invulnerable.  I like to say the change has allowed me to grow up, become more mature and confident.  It's been successful at getting me through tough and stressful situations personally and professionally but there are drawbacks.  I know that I currently don't take as many risks as I did previously and sometimes I get a sense that I'm being overly robotic in order to guard myself from mental & emotional harm.  So what's the answer?

The following lays out the two sides of the spectrum.  Each item is consistent and congruent in itself which is why it's challenging to adopt the best of each.

Vulnerable and Attached to Outcomes:
This is the most simple form of "I see something and I want it."  Sometimes there isn't much mental consideration and strategic thought about how to obtain the object of desire.  Intention is stated and you either get what you wanted which leads to elation or most likely you don't get what you want and you beat yourself up.  Sometimes you express your dissatisfaction to others which doesn't improve the situation and lowers your value and maturity level.  Either way, both outcomes (elation or distress) are not healthy.  The joy will subside and return you to your normal state to which you then become attached to the previous high.  The anger, stress and resentment, well we all know aren't healthy in the first place.  But what was done right in this scenario?  You showed up.  You took a risk.  You were vulnerable.  It's better to get a no then never ask at all.

Invulnerable and Detached to Outcomes:
In this scenario you're invincible, nothing can get you down.  The problem is that you're a "No Man" (Yes Man by Danny Wallace, another great read).  You have trouble taking risks and putting yourself out there.  The mindset is something along the lines of, "If I don't ask then there's no risk of being rejected and getting hurt."  Unfortunately your life is now passing you by and you are stuck in a rut.  You rarely try new things and feel emotion.  The plus is that when you do put yourself out there and it doesn't go your way, you're unaffected.  The result isn't talked about weeks on end.  When everyone is stressing out and the stakes are high, you have the advantage, ability to stay focused and push for the best possible result.

How about we take the best practice from each side of the spectrum?

Vulnerable and Detached to Outcomes:
Take thoughtful risks regularly and be 100% okay with the outcome, for or against you.  Success leads to appreciation but not a celebration.  Non-success leads to appreciation as well and the realization that it wasn't a good fit.  You understand the outcome, learn from it if necessary and then shift your attention to other opportunities.  Forcing a situation or a result will never lead to long term success and fulfillment.  Overall, this strategy leads to more of a consistent life.  No more roller coasters of up and down constantly thinking and stressing over when the next celebration will arrive.  You can now live in the moment instead of the "when this happens then I'll be happy/complete/(fill in the blank)."

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts,

E


“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”  -Teddy Roosevelt

Keep your power

Have you ever been in a situation where stakes were running high and stress was eminent?  Where you were driving toward a specific result only to see the exact opposite happen?  Of course you have, we all have.  How do you respond to these situations?  Do you keep calm, neutral and unaffected or do you "wear your heart on your sleeve" by getting upset, angry and emotional?  Do you voice your opinion negatively only to regret what you've said?  These are common situations and you shouldn't feel bad about the past.  My insight can provide you tools to handle these situations more effectively in the future.

A good way to think about this concept is in terms of personal "power".  I define personal power as the set of values you have for yourself and how you choose to live your life.  Do you choose to eat healthy and take care of yourself physically?  This increases value & power.  Do you take on new challenges and hobbies knowing that you'll stumble many times before getting it right?  Value & power get another bump up.  How about handling yourself and your emotions when something negative happens?  Go ahead and top off the glass of personal power.

Also, why is a situation or outcome negative?  Are you perceiving it that way because you didn't get what you want?  Because you were expecting something?  In short, expectations are best if they are never created in the first place.  Focusing your energy and thoughts on the present and how you can be your best self at the current moment will provide you unlimited happiness where there is no room for expectations.

What do other people see when you respond?  If you choose to get upset, emotional and angry then they see someone that is unable to control themselves.  You're viewed as a wounded animal and others would love to help except they have their own issues to deal with.  In some cases people will abuse you further because it's apparent that your emotions can be toyed with easily.  In essence, you're "giving away your power."

Now what happens if you do the exact opposite?  A situation blows up and you stay neutral.  There's no regretful statements and you keep your emotions for yourself.  Your value increases dramatically and no one can take advantage of you because you haven't given them the right to do so.  You're viewed as a mature, mentally and socially intelligent adult, not a wounded animal.  You understand what has happened, take the time to process it and then move on to new experiences, challenges and situations.  No need to hold a grudge or focus on revenge.

I recently finished the book Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand.  The plot is based on Louis Zamperini's, a now World War II vet, experience of surviving a plane crash and being stranded at sea only to end up in a Japanese POW camp.  Through all the abuse, humiliation and inhumane treatment he was able to look deep into his soul to love and pray for those that mistreated him.  Martin Luther King Jr followed the same mantra by preaching to his followers to love and wish the best for those that discriminated blacks.

These are complex topics so don't feel like you should be able to master them overnight.  They take a lot of thought, concentration, and practice especially if you've been trapped in a victim mentality for many years.  The moment you realize that not wearing your heart on your sleeve is your best possible option is the moment that you've taken control of your life and pushed it to the next level.  Appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts.

E